October 10, 2007
My brother.
I won't get into a discussion about the pros and cons of MySpace vs. Facebook, but right now I think MySpace is really awesome.
I've mentioned before that I don't talk to my family. I mentioned how I saw my mother last week and she drove right past me. I've also mentioned how my grandmother, devout Christian woman that she is, has also cut me cleanly out of her life.
Today I found my brother. I haven't had any way to contact him for more than three years, and I don't know that he will even want to talk to me, but when I found his MySpace page today, my heart flipped over.
I can't emotionally afford to get my hopes up about this. I feel stretched tight, and any disruption to my balance might shatter my heart.
He's my baby brother. The first baby I ever fell madly in love with. He's the little boy that patiently let me play dress up with him when he was tiny. He's the blue-eyed baby that giggled from inside the warmth of our home while I built a snowman just outside his bedroom window, because his childhood disability made the cold unbearable.
He's the proud little boyscout, the tall Civil Air Patrolman, and the young man who graduated at the top of his class from the Academy. He's the man who had to leave behind his dreams when he was discharged from the military, and the man who came home to sow a few wild oats before finding himself someone worth keeping.
Now he's a husband...and a father. I don't know him anymore. I don't know his friends, or what he does for a living, I don't even know where he lives.
I want to talk to him. I haven't seen him in three years, and I need to look into his eyes and see that he's happy. I want to see him hold his child and see that his heart is soft for her, and know that he's going to be a better father than either one of us ever had.
I want to talk about old times and new things, and everything in the middle. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable with me, to feel as if he can't talk about our mother, or my children.
He's my brother, but I want him to be my friend. I can't help but hope for it. It's completely out of my control. I don't know how he feels about me anymore.
The last time I saw him we were in line briefly together at the DMV, and we did a quick bit of catch-up, and then he had to go. I don't want to be rushed.
With everything else going on in my life right now, I feel as if my heart is going to be broken at any moment. I just don't want it to be by my own brother.
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jktty at 2:50 p.m.