October 04, 2007
Stress overload.
My stress levels are too high. My body is reacting in strange ways, and my sleep schedule is all out of whack. I'm sleeping when I should be working, playing when I should be sleeping, and never truly feeling rested.
I'm anxious, jumpy, irritable, and feeling the need to withdraw. That's what I do, see? Things get complicated, stress mounts up, I shut down.
I find myself looking for distractions, anything to keep my mind occupied for 15 or 20 minutes, then, it's onto the next distraction. Really I think I could sit for hours doing little things that simply add up to nothing. Anything to keep my mind off of things I don't want to think about.
I feel a bit like I'm drowning. I can see it happening, my mind shifting into this bare-bones mode, devoid of any emotion. I'm really just functioning. Eat. Work. Chat. Sleep.
I don't have the energy to be friendly or thoughtful. I want to draw those that I love closer to me, and push away those that are...unnecessary. I have been here before, this quiet spell where I cannot nurture or love deeper or feel more. Emotional overload.
I don't want to talk about it, or think about it, or worry about it. I just want to distract my mind from it. I want to deny it's existence until it exists no longer.
It's during these times that I worry who will be there in the end. Like going into a darkened tunnel with four friends, and coming out on the other side with only one. The weaker friends, the fake ones, those are the ones who turn back in fear. The ones who truly love you hold your hand and walk with you in silence until you see the light ahead.
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jktty at 12:05 p.m.