September 22, 2006
When the past and the future collide.
I was married once. We were 20 and 21 when we got married, 26 and 27 when we got divorced. We had three kids in those years, and a very rocky and emotionally devastating relationship. When the divorce was final it was like a birth and a death all at once. I was a new person, and the old me died.
He was married to someone else before the ink even dried on our divorce papers, and I found out later that they had a baby not long after that. Over the years I've often wondered what became of them, and I've hoped that he had finally grown up and learned to be a man.
A few months ago I was browsing through MySpace profiles, and just on a whim I typed in her name "New Wife", and boom! There they were. A picture of their pretty little family. It was surreal. I looked into the faces of their children (they have two)...and I saw the similarities to my own. I looked at the face of his new wife, and I saw a reflection of myself a few years ago; blind love and devotion.
I created a MySpace account under a new name, posted pictures of my kids, and wrote one blog entry telling who I was, about our kids, and wishing them the best. Then, I did nothing. I thought so many times about dropping her a note, just to say "Hi", but I didn't. Then, a couple of weeks ago I visited her profile and was shocked to see that they were separated. For some reason it made me very sad.
The thing is, I haven't seen my ex husband since June of 2001. He never tried to contact me when I had our last child, or when I filed for divorce, or when the state terminated his parental rights. He never called on a birthday or a holiday or for any reason at all. I know what it is like to be a single parent, young and scared and alone. Seeing her, and their kids, and knowing that she was alone broke my heart.
So, I did something out of character for me. I emailed my ex husbands wife. I just wanted to let her know that she was in my prayers. I wanted to tell her that the world is a bigger place than where she is right now, and that there is life after him.
I thought I would hate her. I thought that I would look at her and see the woman who stole my husband from me, and hate everything about her. Instead, I see someone hurting and confused and so very much like me. I want to reach out to her and share my thoughts and feelings and experiences over the last few years. I want to help her move on and let go, because...he doesn't deserve her any more than he ever deserved me.
I thought I was reaching out to an enemy, being the bigger person. Instead, I found a friend.
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jktty at 3:10 p.m.