September 21, 2006
When I tell about the ugly fight.
Somehow I managed to mess up my template yesterday, so my diary was inaccessible for about 18 hours. I was getting incredibly frustrated, especially since it appeared that nobody else was having any problems. I used my super-sleuth skills of deduction to come up with the brilliant idea that just maybe while I was tweaking my template yesterday, I had possibly messed something up. So, it's all fixed now and I'm back.
Last night He and I got into a twenty minute argument about me using the computer. He feels like I get on the computer to "hide" from him and to avoid spending time with him. Ya think, buddy? What was your first clue?
He said that he is very unhappy with the state of our relationship right now and that if I don't start making some changes, that it's going to be over. Where has he been? This relationship was over a couple of MONTHS ago!
He thinks that I'm a liar and that I'm cheating on him with someone online. The only lie I tell is pretending to want to be with Him when I really don't. I'm not cheating on him now, I never have, but if the opportunity presented itself, I just might consider it! And you want to talk about a liar? That man couldn't tell the truth if He was FORCED to!
He said that I talk bad to him. He brought up an incident that happened a couple of days ago in front of His mother and His grandmother. I countered that He talks to me like that EVERY DAY! Not to mention last night when he called me a stupid motherfucker, a cunt, and a bitch. You get what you give, buddy.
When we argue He brings up things from three and four years ago. He really has nothing going for Him right now, and the fact that He hasn't had a job in over two years just really eats at Him. He is furious that I have a steady income, and that He has to ask ME for money now. He brought up how His mother has helped me for "years." Yep, that's right, she has, but notice I said His mom? Not Him, His mother. If I owe ANYTHING to ANYBODY it's a huge debt of gratitude to HER.
He acts as if I have no feelings, that He can say or do anything he wants to do to me. When He pushed too far, and I started to cry, He seemed shocked that I was capable of being hurt. I suppose that is partly my fault, because I do try to keep a stoneface when He is going on and on, because it seems to push things farther if I react; but yesterday it cut too deep.
This emotional abuse...I don't think I'll ever forget it, and if He thinks that He can keep treating people this way, He's got a lot of growing up to do. The problem is that He's been allowed to behave this way for a VERY LONG TIME. I found out that yesterday He actually made his own grandmother cry because of how He talks. I wonder if He's proud.
He said last night that if we sat down with His family, that they would all agree with Him, that I am not "acting right." The thing is, He thinks that talking to me the way He does is the "right thing to do" and that He is "helping me." It's funny that His own grandmother and uncle have both told me to move on, when these are the people that He thinks are on His side.
The most ironic thing He said last night is "I was happy before you, and I'll be happy after you." I couldn't have said it better myself. The truth is, now that I know that I'm going to leave him...even if it's months down the road...I am already happier.
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jktty at 11:10 a.m.