August 13, 2007
When I talk about things we say, and things we don't say.
So I was thinking today about things we say and things we don't say. Sometimes there are things we want to say that sit right on the tip of our tongues...and for whatever reason...they go unsaid. Then there are things we say that we immediately (or shortly thereafter) wish we hadn't said.
I thought I'd write a list of the top 5 things I wish I didn't/hadn't said, then a list of the top 5 things I wish I could/would say.
The top 5 things I wish I didn't/hadn't said.
5. "No, I'd rather stay with him." When I was 20 years old my grandparents offered to pay my way through college if I would leave my live-in boyfriend and move to Texas with them. I was young and (I thought) in love, and I stubbornly refused.
4. "Sure, I'd be happy to have you stay here." Christmas, 1994. My cousin and her husband stayed at my apartment. It ended badly.
3. "I want to live with my mom." I really was too young to make that decision for myself, and the adults in my life should have put me where I would be safe and well taken care of. I often wonder how different I might have been had I been raised by my dad...or my grandparents.
2. "Okay, I'll move back home." I had already been away for six months, I was over it and I was happy, but because I got lonely, when he called me to come back, I had a difficult time saying no. After the first weekend together when he was already screaming at me (for giving him bad directions), I should have known nothing had changed. I guess you live and you learn.
1. "Yes, you can have custody of my kids." They told me it was temporary. They told me once I was settled that I could have them back. They lied, and it can't be undone.
My. That was depressing.
The top 5 things I wish I could/would say.
5. "I don't think we should be friends anymore." So often I let people into my life that are a negative influence on me. Even when I see that they are poison, I still have trouble shutting them out of my life.
4. "I'm sorry." It's not that I don't find myself apologetic or needing forgiveness for things, it's just that I seem to have difficulty saying the words I'm sorry when I really should say it.
3. "No." I don't say it often enough, when it really counts. I find myself in situations that I'd rather not be in, or around people I'd rather not be around...simply because I'm too soft to say no.
2. "Yes." So often I say no, when I'd really rather say yes. I think it's an old habit, started after a bad incident, and fueled by fear. I have missed a lot of golden opportunities because I was too scared to take the first step.
1. "I love you." I often find that I have trouble saying just the simple words. I carry them in my heart, but I don't say them often enough.
On a completely different subject, I talked to my dad about Joshua today. That went well. "You're just like your mother."
Nice, dad.
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jktty at 9:00 p.m.