August 11, 2007
When I talk about my thoughts on love.
Last night I went to eat at Panera. I like going there alone because it's one of those quiet places where you can go and take a book and just chill with your thoughts. I had a booth towards the back and there wasn't anybody else around me.
Then here they came. I saw them in line ordering their food. They couldn't keep their hands off each other. "Dating" my mind immediately said. They were in their mid-20's. She was short...and...round. He was tall and...well...I wouldn't have expected to see a guy like that with a girl like that. "Must be about sex."
After their food was ready I watched as he carried their trays to the booth just behind me. I was a little annoyed at losing my quiet corner, but I tried to ignore them anyway. I noticed they were quiet as they ate. "Nothing to talk about if they're not kissing up on each other." Then just when I was certain it was going to stay fairly quiet, they started talking to each other.
It only took a couple of minutes for my preconceived notions about who or what they were to be completely smashed. I saw them and thought they were dating when in fact it was their 2nd wedding anniversary. I thought they were young and stupid and blinded by their libido when in fact they were just young and happy to be in love.
I felt like an intruder into their privacy and I almost got up to move but I was drawn in by their conversation. I listened to their "Do you remember..." stories and then I listened to the "Next year let's..." ideas. Then they got quiet for a few minutes so I got up to refill my coffee. When I came back to the booth I realized that the reason for their silence was that they were practically making out right there in Panera Bread!
I rolled my eyes at the snickering group of girls behind the counter, and sat back down. "So much for romance." I thought. "Back to the sex stuff now." Then quiet conversation. "I love you so much." "You are my life." "I can't imagine living one day without you." I listened to their private words and, frankly, I felt odd.
They got up to leave and as they walked by my booth I wished them a happy anniversary (okay I did it more out of spite just to let them know that they weren't having as private a conversation as they thought they were) and they both smiled and said thanks. Then I tried to start reading my book again, but my head was full of thoughts.
Am I so jaded that I couldn't listen to the sweet murmurings of a couple in love without doubting that they were being sincere?
Life experience teaches us so much. Sometimes what we learn is good, and sometimes it's not so good. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine what life experience taught me to not believe in true love anymore.
Could it be the man that stood in front of God, family, and friends and vowed to love me forever...and lied? Could it be the one who said he would die for me...and tried to kill me? Or maybe the one who said I was his life...and slowly took everything away from me? Could it be my own parents, or the men my mom had in and out of her life?
I remember when I was younger, before my views on love and honesty were so warped by life, that I believed in tender, true, and "forever" love. The day I got married I believed my vows. The words came from my lips with such naive faith that I could almost slap that blind little girl who said them.
Why am I so conviced that I can love completely, and not be loved in return? If I don't believe in love anymore, why do I continue to look for it?
There must be some part of us that is made to seek love. Even when I am sure I could be happy to be alone...my thoughts about the future always include someone else.
Why do I still find myself falling in love with men I'm sure will never fall in love back?
I have asked myself this question so many times. Someone told me I'm too scared to be loved so I only love people who will never love me. So then I sit and think about the people I've invited into my life, and I just can't believe that those words are true. When I feel an absence of feeling from someone, I tend to shut them out.
Then when I was almost overwhelmed with trying to understand my own thoughts and feelings about love, I decided to think about the couple again. I forced myself to think about their words to each other and believe that they were telling the truth.
So...to the couple from Panera. Happy Anniversary. Thank you for breaking my cynical old heart. I promise that the next time someone tells me their feelings I will do my best to believe them and not let my thoughts be shaded by my life experiences.
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jktty at 7:15 a.m.