May 03, 2007
When I talk about the effects of alcohol.
So I haven't updated since the move, and I promise I will, but I have to tell a story now. :)
Last night when I got off work I picked up my new roommate (yay for Pammy!) and we went and bought some groceries. She mentioned that it was almost beer:30, and so we picked up a couple of six packs.
After dinner we started drinking. It didn't take very long for the alcohol to catch up (add that to more natural substances that we were consuming). Everything was immensely funny, we were cracking each other up.
Pammy and I + the computer + a webcam = trouble ahead! I don't think we were too bad, but my memory of that part of the night is pretty hazy.
I was talkig to KB who insists he's coming to see me, and she was talking to a couple of people. One of them was him,. Okay, it's not hard to be nice, it's really not...but still, it's still there. Anyway, she asked him to call, and he said he would, to which she and I both laughed.
She said "He doesn't have the number." and I said "I know, he wasn't planning to call in the first place." Imagine our surprise when he called an hour later.
I know they talked for a while, and I don't remember what she had to do and insisted I talk to him. I don't remember saying anything out loud, but apparently I said I didn't want to talk to him...and he heard me say it...and then he wanted to know why I didn't.
Well it was impossible to explain my logic, and I wasn't sure I had even said it (drunken logic), I just said I was sure I hadn't said it.
We didn't talk long (at least that's what he says), and I went to bed shortly afterwards. But,today, every time I thought about last night, I thought about that...and I felt bad. It would really hurt my feelings if he said he didn't want to talk to me, and while I know it probably didn't even bother him...I felt really rotten.
Now, his girlfriend is "not happy" about him talking to me (and Pammy) and wants to meet us. Let's see how many words it takes to explain why I don't think I could do that.
Back to why I don't want to talk to him.
He was an addiction. An infatuation. (And someone even used the word obsession). I really want to be completely over it. I really want it to be totally behind me, and dust myself off and not think about it anymore. But...as much as I want to...I'm not, I haven't, and I don't know when I will.
In a way, meeting a girlfriend is worse than meeting a wife. KB suggested I meet his wife, and I can actually tolerate that idea. See, a girlfriend is still the object of love, affection, devotion, and adoration. That kind of love is still fresh, and new, and passionate. Love for a wife is still hot, just more of a simmer and not a boil.
Why should I even care how much he loves her? I really, really shouldn't. I'm happy that he's happy. I can be that. But I don't want to know her.
Does that make me a bad person?
I said before that he hates drama, so I just keep my distance and keep my mouth shut. I keep thinking that I'll wake up one day and be fine with it all, but that hasn't happened yet.
I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to hear his voice because then I get a head full of stupid memories that won't go away. Even drunk I knew that. But I wouldn't have said what I said if I had been sober.
I'm sorry that I'm not mature enough to be over the "thing that never was" yet. I'm sorry that I can't be chummy with your girlfriend, and that I can't find one single reason why I should even try to like her. I'm sorry that I'm immature and I'm sorry that I can't pretend to be okay all the time.
Someday I'll be able to have a feeling without feeling like I need to apologize for it.
On another subject, I was wondering if there are degrees to mistakes. Is there such thing as a "little mistake" and a "huge mistake" or is a mistake like a lie..."a mistake is a mistake."
Kissing someone you shouldn't kiss is a "little mistake" isn't it? So is sleeping with someone you shouldn't sleep with a "huge mistake?" What about not actually doing those things, but thinking about them...what kind of mistake is that?
Now I'll finish by saying that I'm so unbelievably happy to be free. Josh said it's an "uplifting feeling", and he's so right. Not a minute goes by that I don't think about the fact that I'm free and I answer to nobody but myself now.
It's truly amazing.
...catch-up coming soon.
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jktty at 11:20 p.m.