April 04, 2007
When I talk about more unsaid things.
So now that the initial hurt and bit of jealousy is wearing off, I'm now just sort of numb. I can't even work up enough emotion to get mad. I didn't talk to him for a day, and it was good for me. Then, I talked to him last night.
he said:
hate me yet?
i said:
why would i hate you?
a better question would be how could i hate you? i am crazy about you.
he said:
lol cuz
he said:
she looks my way
he said:
and I get all googeley eyed
he said:
:p
yes, it's a little annoying that she snaps her fingers and you are right back on her leash, but love makes people do stupid things, and i cant' fault you for it.
i said:
i can't hate you for that
i said:
i told you that was going to happen way back when
he said:
=(
i did tell you it was going to happen. i know that when people break up and get back together, it usually takes three times to get it out of your system. i knew you were far from finished with her, and if she's half as crazy about you as i am, i knew she couldn't be finished with you, either.
I don't know why I can't just say these things to him. I don't want to make him feel bad. Nevermind that I'm hurting, I know he feels like shit about this, and there is no sense in me making it any worse.
i said:
okay, well i'm giving you the easy out here, and i'm making this easy on you...i'm saying that it's no sweat
i said:
so just let it go
he said:
gosh
he said:
I feel very shitty
i said:
why?
he said:
cuz
he said:
you aren't upset like you should be
oh man, if you only knew
he said:
at least discouraged at me
i said:
why should i give you a hard time?
honestly, i am too hurt to give you a hard time. i feel very foolish, and i just want to put this behind me.
i said:
no matter what i think or feel, you have been clear with me from the very very beginning that we are just friends...
i said:
there's no point in me giving you shit about it
no matter how much you flirted with me. no matter how many phone calls were made. no matter how many hours we chatted, you never one time led me to believe we would ever be anything more than friends. i suppose if you want to feel guilty for flirting with me, or for our roleplay characters getting together and suddenly breaking up, then you can, but really, you should just let it go.
i said:
would it make you feel better if i got really mad?
because that is my way of things. i could be a total bitch to you. if i tried really hard, i could rip you apart with my words, but it won't make me feel better, and even worse, i will lose your friendship.
he said:
lol
he said:
no I do not think so
i said:
didn't think so
i said:
it's just that you said i'm not upset like i should be
i said:
and i was wondering how upset i should be
frankly, i'm a lot more upset than you even know. what do you expect me to do? should i ignore you? tell you that you broke my heart? tell you how i cried until my eyes hurt? how upset should i be?
i said:
honestly...if i felt nothing about it i probably wouldn't say. and if it ripped my heart out i probably wouldn't say that either.
i wouldn't say it to you, anyway. i'll tell my friends how much you hurt me. i'll write about it in my blog. but i can't tell you. i'd like to keep a little of my dignity.
I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my feelings, so I stepped away from the computer for a little while. I thought some fresh air would clear my head, and I thought the subject could change, but when I came back, he picked up right where I left off.
he said:
wb
he said:
and you wouldn't?
i said:
wouldn't what?
he said:
say anything
i said:
no
he said:
=P
he said:
I would be the same
yes, you would keep your dignity. however, you would not hesitate to show your jealousy. that's a luxury i will not allow myself. you are not mine, never were mine, and never will be mine. i can't be jealous. i can be hurt. i can cry. i can feel betrayed if i want to, but i won't allow myself to feel jealous for another minute.
My best friend tells me I should put some distance between us. I should block him on chat and not talk to him for a bit. At first this idea was apalling to me. It felt like I was going to try and hide. I have done nothing wrong, so I don't want to hide, however, I don't think it's such a bad idea after all.
I've had feelings for him for so long, it's going to take time for me to sort it out and get over it. I'm not sure talking to him every day is such a good idea.
The problem is that when I don't talk to him, I feel like something is missing. I'm ready for these feelings to be over. That's why I'm writing here, hoping that if I dump these feelings out, I can get them out of my system sooner.
Patience is not one of my strong points.
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jktty at 10:15 a.m.