April 02, 2007
When I talk about unspoken feelings and reading between the lines.
I've been keeping secrets. Really, it hasn't been a secret, pretty much all of my friends know what I'm about to talk about, I just haven't written about it here.
Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I knew that someone else was still reading here, and I didn't want to hurt him. But now, I'm relatively convinced that he doesn't visit here any longer, and my words can't cause him any pain.
Maybe I didn't want to write about it here because I didn't want to talk about how foolish I am. What foolishness, you might wonder? Hmmm. I went off and fell in love.
That shouldn't be that big of a deal, but, you see, I fell in love with someone that doesn't love me back. So maybe, it's not really love. Maybe it's just a crush. I don't know, it's been all-consuming.
He's a lot younger than I am, but age hasn't been too much of an issue for me. His maturity makes me feel as if he is older than I am. His kind spirit and gentle nature are like a bright, shining beacon in a dark and lonely world. One can't help but be drawn to him.
I was. Drawn like a moth to a flame. A little voice in the back of my head told me over and over not to get too attached. Something told me not to let go of my heart, but every conversation, every phone call, every moment drew me closer.
I wish I had been wiser. Yes, hindsight is 20/20. There is nothing quite like reaching the end of a journey and realizing the whole thing was a waste of time. There is no feeling quite like realizing you are a fool.
The thing is, I can't tell him how I feel. I quit telling him how I feel months ago. I told him several times that I'm in love with him, but I got tired of knowing that my love was not reciprocated, so I quit saying the words. We have been "friends." He never made an indication we would ever be anything more. I never expected more.
So why did I fall in love? I didn't expect it to be returned. I didn't expect him to be mine. It's like I was asking for this heartache.
I can't be mad at him. That's why I can't talk to him about how I feel. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. He considers me enough of a friend to tell me that he is getting back together with his ex, and I don't want him to feel awkward that he ripped my heart out.
So there the words sit, between the lines.
he said:
you okay?
i said:
yep
no, i'm not okay. this hurts. i can't stop crying. i feel as if i just lost my best friend.
he said:
=)
i said:
happy? please don't say you're happy, because i don't know how to be happy for you right now.
he said:
dunno about that
he said:
wondering what is up with you
i said:
you shouldnt' worry about me this ain't my first rodeo, darlin. i've had my heart broken before. this is nothing new, and you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about how i'm doing.
he said:
why not?
i said:
better question is why? shouldn't you be worried about your girlfriend now? i should be the least of your concerns.
he said:
lol cuz
he said:
you are my sweet friend friend. yes. that's what i am. i am your friend. that's all i will ever be, and i should never have let myself even hope for one moment that you cared for me as anything other than a friend.
he said:
you are a nice girl
he said:
a rare one I think yes. i am. i'm a treasure and a jewel for a kings crown. my love has been here for you. i offered you my heart with no strings. i was a fool for you.
But no more. I see very clearly now. He and I are friends, nothing more. No matter how he might act, or how he flirts with me, he still sees me as only a friend, and I will not be so foolish for him again.
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jktty at 1:15 p.m.