September 15, 2006
When I talk about my blogging history.
Before I started this diary, I had other diaries. The first real "blog" I ever used was on diaryland, and I keep coming back. I've had two blogs on Diaryland, and two on Blogger, and I have also sporadically used a Yahoo! 360�. I don't particularly like changing addresses, but there are valid reasons for leaving each of those diaries behind.
The first one chronicled a year in my life that was very chaotic, full of online dating issues, health problems, and family crises. A major life event caused me to immediately stop using that diary, and now when I read there it feels as if I am reading about someone else's life, and it is extremely sad and depressing to read about such a heartbreaking time in my life.
The second diary was started around the same time as the first, and was going to be a record of events dealing with a family member that has ADHD. When my family found out about that diary they were shocked that I could have any sort of a sense of humor about a situation that was a huge source of stress in my life. I got a nasty email from my mother, and hurtful phone calls from two other family members regarding my writing in the diary. Everyone seemed to realize that I was using sarcasm and humor to deal with something that was overwhelming to me, and they picked it apart until I felt I had no voice there any longer.
I tried to quit blogging for a while, but eventually I felt as if I needed another outlet. I began my second diaryland diary (and my longest-running to date) in April of 2004, and ended it in April of 2006. This diary was, how do I explain it, it was of an adult nature. When I started it I just wanted to document experiences in my life that were new and exciting. Eventually I had quite a large readership. At one point one of my entries was posted at fleshbot and then I went from a modest 50-75 hits a day to up to 3,000+ a day for several days in a row. Ironically, the more readers I had, the more difficulty I had finding things to write about.
At what should have been the apex of my blogging "career" (if you can call it that), I collapsed under the pressure. The relationship I was writing about began to change, the subject matter which had drawn all of my readers in the first place began to not even be an aspect of my life. Eventually the relationship ended, and then I went from a "hot adult bloggger" to a "dumped and brokenhearted blogger." That wasn't what my readers came for, although I have to admit there were quite a few that stuck around to the bitter end.
When I locked the adult diary up, I felt very disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to document things in my life anymore, so I tried to start a new diary at Blogger. I think I might have written five entries altogether, but then I felt as if I was heading in a direction I didn't want to go. Re-reading my entries there I see that I was likely in a depression at the time, and the writing is very dark and dismal. That's not my normal personality, and I abandoned that project as well.
Every now and again I'll write a bit of fluff at my Yahoo! 360�, but nothing special. I always keep in mind that anybody that knows my Yahoo! ID can see what is written there, and since I've had the same ID since 1998, I'm not sure I want that many people having access to my private thoughts.
So that brings us to this diary (and if you've read this far you seriously deserve a medal!) I want this to be my permanent blog home. In a year from now I want to link back to this date and say "See? I do have what it takes to stick around." In a couple of years I want to be writing about my wonderful boyfriend, and my great job, and about how stressed out I am about being in school (because I want to go back to college SO bad!)
In a few months I want to be able to stop using nicknames for people, and I want to talk about who I am and even use my real name and email address. I don't want to feel like I need to change my identity again, or be embarrassed or ashamed of things that I write about. This means that sometimes I may write about things that might make you uncomfortable, or angry, or frustrated, or even a little disappointed in me. But...I want to be honest here, and never feel like I have to move away. (That's not to say that at some point down the road I won't have to lock up, but I don't want to stop writing here.
I realize that I'm rambling a bit, but I felt like I needed to address the issue of how I ended up here. Some of you have been dragged through all five of my previous attempts at keeping a journal online, some of you know one aspect of my life and some others know other aspects of my life. I want this diary to be whole, and I ask that you please be patient while I bring all the aspects of my life together here in this one place. (Maybe someday I might even link to a couple of those old diaries, or just pull some old quotes out, who knows.)
Have a great weekend, I know I won't. ;)
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jktty at 2:40 p.m.