September 05, 2006
When I document the bad things.
The "holiday weekend" was a total bust. It was raining off and on all weekend. It was perfect weather to curl up in bed with a good book. Too bad that's not what actually happened.
Since we didn't get to keep our original plans, Someone decided that there would be no free time, that we must work. On a good day, I can keep my tempter under control when He starts on one of His tirades. But, Saturday was not a good day, neither was Sunday or even Monday, for that matter. We argued and butted heads all weekend. At least She stood up for me (that's so very rare.)
It's going to be a miracle if I can make it 3 more months with Him. Every time he puts his hands on me I swear I'll never let him do it again, but then next time comes, and I just grit my teeth and rage inside. He stands in my face and spouts off the most vile and disgusting things he can say, degrading me, lashing out, baiting me, trying in every way He can to hurt me. Then, when I have heard enough, and I stand up for myself...then He crosses the line.
Do. Not. Touch. Me. In. Anger. You. Stupid. Bastard!
Oh, how my fingernails want to carve into His skin. How my fist wants to connect with the mouth that offends me. I am not a violent person, I don't understand these feelings, but even as I am writing them I can feel my insides shake with rage and indignation. I control the fury well.
Angry girlfriends, domestic violence, emotional abuse, bad relationships; these aren't very popular reads in the blogging community, but this is my life. I can't make this crap up, and I can't make it go away, all I can do is document it.
Someday soon, when I am crying in my pillow over "lost love" and "unfulfilled potential", remind me about these posts. Remind me how, when I was with Him, I could think of nothing but escape, and of being alone, in peace.
(I'll have another post later today, it's been a long weekend, a lot to say.)
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jktty at 8:37 a.m.